waiting for growth

The paper chain is shrinking. The whole purpose of the chain was to symbolize to the kids the countdown till when we go home.

It turns out, the chain has been more for my benefit than for theirs. The first six weeks of this TDY flew by. I loved everyday of it and I felt as though the kids were really benefiting from being here. I feel as though I've done a complete 180 this past week. Suddenly, the little things are starting to get to me. I'm tired of paying to do my laundry, I'm tired of having to use a swipe card everytime I come or go, and I'm tired of feeling as though the walls are closing in on me. I'm just ready to go. The problem is, we still have one week left. Monday morning I wasn't sure if I'd make it till the end. I was seriously debating heading home with the kids and just throwing in the towel here. Feeling discouraged, I took everyone over to a local park to play. Shortly after we arrived, someone else pulled into the parking lot with several kids. Immediately I felt more discourgaed. The last thing I wanted was to feel obligated to talk with this lady while our kids played. And, knowing my Sam, I knew he'd introduce himself before they even got in the gate. She unloaded her kids and then went around the other side of the car and got out an infant carrier. As she set the carrier down on the bench she commented on how she'd waited so long for the baby to be born, that she missed the chance to take advantage of how easy travel was without an infant. She wanted to be out of the 'waiting' period so badly, that she missed the things that are found only in those periods of waiting.

I'm in a waiting period right now. I am anxious to go home but I have to wait. The time has not yet come. This is a frustrating place to be and I find myself here often. Whether it's waiting for a baby to be born, waiting for test results, waiting for that wretched 4-7pm time frame to pass (you know that time when everyone's crying and hungry and you've run out of activities and just want to look at facebook), or waiting for the days on a calendar to pass, I've come to see how waiting does have a purpose.

Last night I read a quote from Henri Nouwen that said:
"There are a lot of good things that can be said of parenting a child, but the greatest gift you can give your child is the gift of you being a growing person yourself"

And what better time to grow, then during this waiting period. This thought has transformed my thinking as I wait out my last week here.

Rather then focusing on when we can leave, I'm trying to focis on what the Lord might want to teach me, or grow in me, during this circumstance in my life. God is always at work in our temporal circumstances to bring about his eternal purposes. As I wait, I feel my convictions are being strengthened. I've heard it said that people respect people with convictions. You may get tested and challenged for your beliefs and behaviors, but overtime if you are consistent people may not agree with you, but they will respect you. I really believe that God speaks through our life circumstances. My immediate season is one of real waiting. Waiting almost to the point of complete bordom (serioulsy, how many times can you go to a park and watch to make sure your 18 month old doesn't fly off the bottom of the slide, or, pretend that you really are amazed at your 5 year olds so called 'x-ray vision'). I crave the social interaction of my girlfriends at church or having a cup of coffee with my neighbor. I miss my friendships deeply. But in this season of waiting, the Lord is whispering things to me that I might not otherwise have heard in the chaos of my life. And that whisper could quite possbily get drowned out again in the days after we return home. And so, I wait(to be back home with child locks) -- hoping that obvious growth is taking place in the process that my children can see and model.

Still Happy Together

50 days in a hotel and we're still all friends!! Our days have been full lately and we are taking in everything we can during our last days here. Saturday morning we headed up to Mount Vernon to see George Washingtons house. We weren't sure what to expect in terms of stuff for the kids, but it ended up being a completely worthwhile trip! We walked through his mansion, saw where his slaves lived, looked at the rows and rows of gardens, and enjoyed the view of the Potomac River.

Sunday we went down to the National Habor. Our first stop was the Gaylord Hotel. The kids were actually speechless as they walked in and saw how big it was. It was like a city unto itself. All they wanted to do was ride the glass elevator watching all the events unfold below them.

Everyone is beginning to wind down here now. I have started packing a few bags up and we are slowly starting to clear out. Since our living space is so limited, we have had to become a little creative at times. To reduce chaos, we have the kids sit by the door once they are ready to go. Anna is still working on this:)

We are looking forward to next weekend and the National Cherry Blossom Festival! It will be a great way to finish out our time here.

The One Essential Thing

Yesterday while I was driving to Wegmans (yes, they do have Wegmans here - two of them!), I was listening to a preacher on the radio talk about "the one essential thing". He was referring to the quiet time a person has with the Lord before the day begins. Typically I don't listen to sermons or talk radio much, it's not really something that captivates the kids, but this message caught my attention and I listened intently.

I've been thinking a lot lately about spiritual disciplines and how I can implement these more into my life. I often use the excuse that, with little kids, my quiet time is extremely limited, if not non-existent. I was convicted as I thought about how diligently I set aside time each morning back at home to spend with the Lord, but somehow, I've lost my mojo lately. Tim changed his work schedule slightly and he now leaves at 7am each morning (beating the traffic). This means that we both get up earlier. The last three mornings I have feasted on my alone time with God before the rush of my day begins -- it is without a doubt, the one essential thing to my life. I'm thankful for the times when my children see my faith as being strong, but I am also learning to be thankful for those times when they see me stumble. Their hearts are so receptive to what Tim and I model for them. Sometimes, no words are even necessary -- just actions.

Just like the changing of seasons, my moods during these mothering years change. I struggle at times with discontentment. Not towards my husband, or my life, just a general longing for something more. A clarity in my role during this season. I long to write a book, go to a Proverbs 31 conference, have another baby, teach at a christian school, start a new MOPS group - anything but stay where I am. Ultimately, I am longing for the one essential thing. As Tim and I have talked through these things, we decided to come up with a vision for our family. In the same way a company casts a vision for success, we are casting a vision for our home. John 15 talks about the relationship between Christ and believers. A simple illustration of a vine and branches is what Jesus uses to explain to his disciples the importance of staying closely connected to him. The value and need of abiding in Christ -- dwelling in his presence. The vine has two types of branches. Branches that bear fruit, and branches that don't. There is nothing in between.

" If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be my disciples" John 15:7-8

I want to bear fruit. I want my children to bear fruit - genuine, real fruit. The vision that we have for our family is to carry forward the work Jesus did. To simply carry it forward. To pass the torch of truth on to our children that they may go forward and learn to live lives that bear fruit. And that may mean seasons of restlessness for me. It means sacrificing my time and energy for the good of my home. But at least now there is a target, a vision that we are working towards.

This past week we celebrated Sam's 5th birthday. When I was writing my thesis I was pregnant with him. I poured over research articles that talked about how the first five years of a childs life are some of the most critical foundation laying years. And now, he has passed them. What a blessing children are and yet, what a responsibility! So now I look forward with renewed passion to my 'one essential thing' in order to guarantee my ability to carry forward the work Jesus did.